Big Brother BETTING: The final FOURTEEN!

Luke needs to stop snogging the trollop...

Still there: Charlie Chan (3), Ray Charles (5), Kenneth Williams (6.6), Brad Pitt (12.5), David Blunkett (17), A Klingon (22), Prince Harry (34), Hunter from Gladiators (44), Xena Warrior Princess (46), Angelina Jolie (60), Kevin the Teenager (85), Zoolander (85), Van

As with doors and windows, when one Big Brother romance closes another one opens, and Luke can now be found popping his slimy political tongue into Rebecca's foul mouth. It's abominable just to be privvy to, and were there anything Ofcom could do, they would do it. But for now, like with the boogie man, we should all just sit tight and hope it goes away. Nothing to be scared of.

The contestants read, from best first, like this:

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Kathreya
As mentioned last week, Kat could be key to stopping knife crime. Think about it, no one could bludgeon, stab or garrote a man with Kat's sweet kindly face looking on in horror. The woman could stop wars, for Christ's sake. That said, can a grown up pretending to be a toddler really win Big Brother? A finalist for sure.

Darnell
The current King of the house, should there ever be a film made about Darnell, he would be wise to insist that Jamie Foxx doing Ray Charles plays him - it's actually uncanny. That said, the making of a film would presumably depend on him winning Big Brother. He has all the ingredients - interesting back-story, an affliction - but needs to keep his paranoid rants about being "real" to himself.

Luke
Don't do it, Luke. Step away from the bosomy mad woman. In his strategic mind, what harm can a romance do? In reality, he is being filmed in night vision stroking her face and whispering like a psychopath. He needs to stop that and get back to being funny/camp.

Dale
What a difference a week makes. Once a giant tongued mute who could perform little more than a middle-distance stare and a whimper, now there's no stopping Dale and his incessant talking. And while that is totally over-egging it, he might yet prove to be this year's Anthony (winner, series six) - a likeable young man with no discernable talent.

Mikey
Luckily for Mikey, the housemates are so fearful of nominating a blind man for eviction that he'll be safe for a few weeks yet. But by acting like the world's most revolting pervert - grabbing Becca's boob, making a hideous carrot-based misjudgment to Sara - he will definitely not win. If he could see people's faces, he'd probably rethink his career as a stand up too.

Rachel
Finally, after weeks of slowly flexing her forehead, and describing flowers to Mikey in such minute detail that even his hyper-sensitive supersonic hearing started to wane, Rachel has started to stand up for herself when people are sneering at her. Good for you, love. Now leave.

Rex
Either the producers are up to their usual jiggery-pokery, or Rex has become the most irksome and detestable little oik since Bryan Ferry revealed that he had a son. The vests, the long slurred noises that are supposed to be sentences, the relentless coin-eyed bragging about how many truffles he can fit into his mouth. He should be evicted and sent to the desert in a cage.

Lisa
Yeah, Lisa's starting to lie quite a lot. She once lifted up and moved a car. She has seen actual aliens. She is very "religious" about things like "spirituality", and knows that Mario left the Big Brother house because the universe needed him for something, not because the general public had decided that he was a unbearable prat. And all this from a woman who actually shaves her face like a man would. Won't win.

Stuart
With the great bod and the manly beard, Stuart should really be the alpha male in the house. And yet he only ever speaks to tell people that he's frightened, or that he just cried a minute ago, or that he needs a wee. Tough guys win Big Brother, Stu-pot.

Sara
Sara's problems include: a. She has a voice like a malfunctioning Moog keyboard. b. She has a total inability to listen to anyone else speaking without turning the conversation onto something boring that she once did. c. She's Australian, and (bar Nadia) foreigners do not win. d. She isn't quite as pretty as she appears to think. and e. She is stirring Mikey into a sexual frenzy, which is hugely unadvisable. Won't win.

Rebecca
So thick, Bex can only live in the moment, because if she were to entertain foresight or hindsight for even a second she would pass out or die. Getting off with Luke, then slagging him off in the diary room was yet another in a long list of Big Brother etiquette breaches.

Maysoon
Great, a model! That's what everyone thought, blissfully unaware that when models aren't in their knickers on runways, they are sitting in giant ashtrays, silently smoking and wondering what time they can go home. Soon, Maysoon, very soon.

Mohamed
If Bill Withers had chosen moaning in staccato above singing, he would have been Mohamed - the misfortunate man who simply can't win Big Brother.

Belinda
Her sleep-roaring has become intolerable, her jazz singing is the reality television equivalent of watching your dad attempt the windmill, and like Lea and Susie (series six), she will soon be just another former Big Brother contestant who no one can even remember.